Weekends are the weirdest thing because, to me, they always seem like such worlds apart from my week days.. this isn’t bad but it the re-connection with the weekdays with which I struggle.

I did the fret over Friday evening, due to the last-minute family fun night at Keaton’s school.. for no reason.  I fret over that which I feel unfamiliar.. and this felt unfamiliar.  Anam met up with me for the first hour or so making things seem more interesting than they would have been solo.  I was suddenly a tour guide showing her where Keaton goes to school and how family fun night works.. even though, I usually feel like an outsider there, however this time, I was less of an outsider than Anam so I was given that type of opportunity.  It helped.  Less time to bemuse myself with random thoughts about my thoughts and more time learning about Anam and sharing with her things about me.  Especially for someone I met only a few months ago, she was quite generous with her time and friendship.  I appreciated that very much.  The rest of the time there was fine.  I encountered several of Jason’s friends and awaited awkwardness that didn’t exist.  Jason was pleasant as well and I’m am glad he finds such joy in volunteering for the school.

The rest of the night focused on healing Keaton’s fence wound.  He hurt his leg by falling off a fence and scraping it.. to the point of ewww gaaah when you look at it.  I had to buy wound healing things… and take care of it the best I could.  I think, at 7, I overreact less to these events.  I also know Keaton well enough to know this: He will fall off fences  He is scared of very little and he is drawn to fence climbing (and falling)

Saturday morning was a short trip to meet up with Mason for breakfast and a zoo visit.  The day was beautiful.  It reminded me of family outings where, the night before, I would hope and pray there would be no rain and we could wake up early and be the first ones to go.. whenever fun place it was we were going.. This felt like that.. Breakfast and a walk around a very adorable little zoo.  There were peacocks in full attire and turtles who appear to move in slow motion.. geese and just time to not worry about time.

Keaton complained about not feeling so great later and we wound up taking it very easy upon making it back home.  I especially took it easy with a floor nap… ouch.  

I was happy to find clear straps on my strapless dress… This is a weird find that makes me feel that my dress will stay up next weekend.. ups the confidence level slightly and now I just hope they don’t break.  I did some research to see if they were okay to wear.  I enlisted help from two very fashion forward girly girls who I trust completely.  I joke that sometimes I forget how to be a girl and I have to ask professionals.  These two are professionals.  They were fine with me wearing the clear straps.  Also, one insisted I wear my hair down… which I am just going along with .. again don’t question her just do it.  What did I say in paragraph one.. something about fretting about unfamiliar things.. well, being a wedding attendant isn’t unfamiliar to me but I strapless dresses are.. so every little new development working in my favor.. is appreciated and accepted with open arms.. I think I slept better just knowing this.  I even slept in.. which has been unheard of lately.  

Now, Sunday.. a day of slow moving and choosing and doing.. I was able to take back things that needed to be back somewhere.  I was able to take Keaton to the library where he put on a puppet show for me, in 4 acts.  He loved it.  He hugged me, randomly, I think before act 4.  I filmed him using my 8mm app and we watched it play back, laughed and smiled quite a bit.  

Now I’m really just tired.  I have two days.. a vacation day right in the middle to celebrate Keaton’s last day of school, and then 2 more days until the long weekend.  I feel good knowing this too.

When random thoughts like: “What IS my favorite Cure song?” pop into my head like a question of grand importance that needs to be answered on this day of 2012.. I don’t think any less of it.  The Cure, being one of the bands that raised me and all, makes the idea of the question and its answer that much more critical and surely something I should have come up with before way before now.  Well, sometimes our favorite songs choose us.  The musings lead up to a response with “Inbetween Days” and, upon reflecting, thinking.. yes, I think that’s it.  

The weekend begins with travel to St. Louis.  I have about 3 hours of road ahead of me, an audio book by Nick Hornby, some iced green tea and my imaginative expectations only leading me in the wrong direction.  I chose ‘A Long Way Down’ by Nick Hornby because 1. It is by Nick Hornby.  He’s an incredibly personal writer, very funny, musical and pop culture references abound and a unique perspective that, almost always, mirrors my own.  I don’t really need to include any other reasons.  I begin the book and start to drive.  I love this one, already, because there are wonderful British accents and each character gets to have a say.. taking character development into a entirely new level.  Then, JJ arrives.. the American guy in a band who will make the references I relate to the most.  Not necessarily because he is American and in a band either.  A, perhaps, mini-denouement, is encapsulated by JJ discussing what song he would be listening to that would be in conjunction with the situation/experience and he chooses, “Inbetween Days” by the Cure.

As my trip is getting shorter and I’m drawing nearer to the destination.. I feel empowered, so much so, that a bathroom break would be for the weak.  In reality, I hate making stops when I’m driving fairly long distances.  I hate it.  When I’m with someone and they have a need or something similar, fine, otherwise.. I just want to keep moving until I don’t have to any more.  Then, I find myself stuck on the bridge, downtown St. Louis.  I’m suddenly needing to silence my audio book because I can no longer concentrate.. all I can think about it when is this awful traffic congestion going to end. It doesn’t end for a rather long time.  I look around and start twirling my hair in a pre-panic attack.  I’m stuck for at least 20 to 30 long minutes, maybe more.. Then I pee a little.  It was the worst and best thing that could have happened.  I tend to lean toward it being the worst thing, because that is how society would like it and ewwwww… but seriously, what a relief… and mind you, it was just a little bit, I swear. Sigh.  So, that was over with and I start moving and as I get closer to where I should be, all I can think of it, omg I just pee’d my pants.

Honestly, the weekend never plans out as I originally think it will and this was never in my mind as part of the plan either.  Still, after a lovely quick change of clothes and mind.. headed out to the baseball game and the Tony LaRussa retirement statue night and good things.  Yes, it was my only pair of jeans, thanks for asking.  I wore a skirt to the baseball game and, thankfully, St. Louis is several degrees warmer than I’m used to and that’s a good thing.  A hoodie and a skirt and a baseball game.  I had a margarita too.

I usually give up driving for the entire weekend when I make a traveling journey.  I really don’t care if I see my car again until Sunday at the latest.  Mason drives to the baseball game & pays for parking in the swanky parking garage.  I say swanky because it is only a block or so away from the ballpark and, as I remember growing up and going to games with my parents, we parked at my mom’s work parking garage which was.. well, half way across the downtown area…… So, swanky.  Mason gives the parking attendant money to park there and notices he is $10 short. It is one of those things that you just don’t want to deal with because people are supposed to be good and not take more money than they are supposed to take… We park and Mason goes back to claim his $10 and good for him.  I wasn’t sure it would go well but after a few words exchanged, I think the parking attendant guy realized the best choice was to give back the extra cash he had taken.  Wise move, I say.. and maybe he learned a lesson to never do it again.  Or never do it to us again.  Plus, the whole going back to get the money rightfully owed to you that you never gave up in the first place.. was kind of hot.

The rest of the night was fantastic.  I love the way Mason and I can just decide to go when we feel like it and do nothing when we feel like it and agree on pizza and comfy clothes at any time of the day or night.  I was ready for comfy clothes and pizza.  We made it happen.  The weekend was also for the celebrating of ‘First Day I Met You-versary’ and Mason surprised me by writing me into his Friday party jam.  I was surprised and touched and happy.  He’s so talented and I was honored to be honored in a style that is very much his own.  I wrote a song as well.  Mine was my first ukulele song and I used the same 3 chords in the Adventuretime theme song because those chords I learned first.  Also, they sounded rather lovely and accommodated the words I had written nicely.  So, then we were that couple who writes songs and jams for each other and that also made me happy. 

The next day was nice.. I bought a pillow and had Ted Drewes frozen custard.. napped and went to Trader Joe’s.. had breakfast, heard Weezer (blue album) on the radio.. not necessarily in that order.

Then I was hit the face with a knee.  First I should add, I don’t turn on lights much, especially overhead room lighting.  I like lamps and making my way in the dark as to not disrupt others.  This is where I went wrong.  Details not particularly important but around 2am his knee meets my nose.  I was stunned.  This abrupt smack to the face and I hear Mason’s voice asking me if I am okay and asking me to talk to him.  I didn’t know what to say because I wasn’t sure if I was okay or not.  I was hoping I was okay.  The light comes on and I have two tears, one from my right eye and one from my left eye, steaming down my face.  No one sees or feels blood and I have this urge to cry so much more but not the actual physical sensation to do so.  I look in the mirror and everything looks in place, no Picasso, all is well.  I still have this incredible awareness, however, and acute pain in the center of, what feels like, my existence.  I feel damaged and a little embarrassed.  An ice pack appears and I assumed I asked for one or Mason read my mind.  Either way, I hang out with the ice pack until I fall sleep again.  

The next morning we are both checking on things and ruling out all of the serious bad things that could have happened.  We probably already ruled out the serious things that could have happened earlier that night before I fell asleep but now we were conversing about them and saying things out loud like - I don’t think it is broken and I don’t think I have a concussion or anything like that.  The feeling is weird because I had no other way to describe it.  When I said, “I’m not sure how to describe it” and then thought about it a little longer and joked, “I know what it feels like.  It feels like I got hit by a knee in the face.”  There isn’t another way to describe it.  After some ice and a very lovely breakfast made especially for me.. I felt better.  I was up and about and we went out to shop and such.  Walking around, however, not all that good for me.  I was still in a weird state of unsteady.   I had sales people talking to me and, for the most part, the sounds and language felt like a blur off to the side.  We went to get coffee and I was thinking it may be best to leave and I hear “Inbetween Days” by the Cure playing in Starbucks.  I can’t leave this.  Staying was the best idea.  I needed hydration and awake-ness and songs that are familiar to me.  I was given all of those things and more.

Accidents are difficult because I’m not sure who hurts more.. the accidenter or the accidentee.. in our case, I would be the accidentee.. This does make sense to me.  I’ve been in both places and you can’t say “I’m sorry” enough because it is all you feel with every ounce of your well being.  On the other side, you hurt and you want to share how you are feeling but, at the same time, you aren’t trying to dwell and make matters worse.  I’ve been attempting, whenever possible, to think about how I choose to react to situations.  This one felt okay.  I didn’t overdo the ouch (I don’t think) or the drama.  It is was it is and was what it was… and now I know what getting a knee to the face feels like.  I don’t recommend it but I’m happy to say I’m thankful for the result and that it wasn’t far more worse.  I’m happy with whom the accident occurred because that can affect the reaction and the reflection… but I’m also happy that incident.. is over.

Hooray for repeating songs that won’t go away but actually inundate you to the point where you just know.. and you can answer the random (maybe not so random) question after a weekend and a knee to the face.

leave a message after the beep.. 

I should write way more often… I have a lot of content of which to write.  I may not, however, because my back hurts from using the bed-as-deskchair situation for the computer, I have too many other things to do.. or I’m lazy and would rather not get into it.  Usually, it is a combination of these things.

Changes.. are not easy.  Not everything feels as happy as I want it to all the time.  I feel like I’ve come leaps and bounds from where I was just a year ago but still, the equation of what I knew is flip-flopped and turned upside-down.  This still isn’t bad.  I think about the things I don’t miss that I couldn’t control.. the road trips ruined by road rage or being blamed for bad directions or never being acknowledged for things that made me proud or feeling like I was always competing for something.. I don’t miss neglect, hurt feelings, or opinions not being valued… I felt sad for so long.  This made for great songwriting, perhaps, but it really didn’t make for good days.. Remember how long the weekends felt and afternoons in bed hoping to sleep because I felt so unmotivated for not being happy.

I feel I’m re-learning … to sleep, to spend time with me, to have freedoms.. and it is more difficult to adapt to than I ever would have imagined.  And often I’m just scared… of what I don’t know and just about anything else I haven’t yet overcome being potentially scared about.. 

Or was it “Come On Feel - The Lemonheads?”  I think I heard the title of the album mentioned in both directions…

Regardless, this is the randomly selected album of last week and into this week as well.  I remember receiving this one from my mom.. she was diligent in following my lengthy list of Christmas wish CDs… and very kind to do so.  

The thing about The Lemonheads, besides being another brilliant three-piece band, is that they wrote these incredibly sweet alt-pop songs that were simple and fun.  Some rocked out and other songs didn’t really say much at all.  The strummy rhythms, soothy vocals, and super fast 2-3 minutes of pure happiness in each track made the band a favorite… 

This album, specifically, isn’t my very favorite Lemonheads album.. no.  I think “It’s a Shame About Ray” is the obvious choice.. (and, in fact, I was lucky enough to see the Lemonheads perform the album in its entirty at the Abbey Pub in Chicago circa.. several years ago) It was a fantastic show.

Back to this album.. I was lured back to the band after Lemonheads luster felt lost through it.  I like to check back in with it when I want more happy..  

I knew about the show for a while and I had just forgotten about it over the years.. but an Indie Rock station out of LA plays Morrissey and the Smiths for two hours on Sunday from 11-1pm CST… So, really, this is Lunch with the Smiths for the people living in the midwest.. Whatever the title, it is a fantastic show and it brightened up my Sunday this past 1.5 days ago.

I am geeky about the Smiths… hearing the show and the host and host’s guest and also a favorite comedian/actor of mine, Thomas Lennon, chat and geek-out about the band, made me very happy.  I will be there, Sunday.. again

http://www.indie1031.com/include.php?pageid=/shows/breakfast.asp

I successfully roasted my first turkey for Thanksgiving this year.. I am still somewhat reveling in the entire process.. however, I have a very simple recipe to thank:
http://5secondrule.typepad.com/my_weblog/2010/12/how-to-cook-a-bone-in-turkey-breast-recipe.html

I also have the very kind, patient, Mason to thank for helping me to manage time and life the heavy bird, with roasting pan, in and out of the oven for basting reasons.  I’m proud because this was a task I had always left up to someone else, in the past, and was able to find a very suitable, easy recipe that was stress-free and yummy.  It was roasted turkey with a paprika butter.  I toned down the garlic and based the turkey several times using the recommended chicken stock.  I even attempted the gravy.  

For the side dishes I made mashed baked cheesy potatoes.  Using russets, Parmesan and mozzarella cheese.   Added stuffing, per Mason’s bringing, along with sourdough rolls, moscato, cinnamon oranges, and grape Jell-o.  

The food was simple and good.. the day was very relaxed and the, much needed lounging around, happened.  There was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, both the original and the remake.. it was a nice holiday. 

So, I chose a random album to keep me company today throughout whatever travels I had for Monday, November 21, 2011.  It was “Dear Catastrophe Waitress” Belle & Sebastian.. 

This album has always been a favorite… for the way it is so dramatic and scattered yet perfectly fits together in one cohesive collection of songs.  Opening with the tongue and cheek “Step into my office, baby” where, I promise you, I see this best performed on a stage, includes this adorable and seductive tune that is both catchy and flirty.. A fantastic opening song, which, in my opinion, can really make or break an album.  

My favorite song is ‘Piazza, New York Catcher” and I suppose it is the lovely, simple guitar with this romantic and dreamy lyrical melody over it.  The picture appears as if it is something from a song I wish I had written or a diary entry I may have written many years ago.  I love how it doesn’t exactly rhyme all the time and there isn’t a chorus or any sort of repetitive hook.  It doesn’t need one.  

So.. this was today

So, getting used to living in an apartment I haven’t in a very long time.  I miss the dogs.. I miss hugs from the dogs.  I hear noises of other people walking on the ceiling and honking the horns to their cars parked in back as they lock them… I make dinner for myself and sit on the floor and watch Food Network and Bravo.  I haven’t changed necessarily but there is some assimilation taking place which makes me feel so weird.. thought happy currents of both good and bad.  Questioning and then, other times, dancing to songs played on the record player.. what is this like?

Yea, it seemed like a surreal thing but it happened.  I already feel weirdly learned…

I have to grocery shop a lot more and there are little things that I was used to just having (pasta strainer, can opener, and the like… ) which I no longer have.  I consider myself a minimalist but it isn’t often easy to keep the pace of being minimal when time passes and “stuff” accumulates.  I feel that ‘an errand here and there’ has turned into a stop for this and a stop for that everyday or even looking for more time to get things done, ie. bangs trimmed over lunch…

And, I no longer have a husband.. and as I seem to be moving in one direction, he is moving in the complete opposite direction, by design.  I seem to feel more identity, however, and less sad. I don’t feel failure but rather triumphant, at times.  I feel I’ve motioned attention to things that needed it.. and building upon the retraction for things that don’t deserve it. 

For the most part, I learn things from the kiddo.